State Senator appears in Hazmat suit to announce that “Everything is Fine”
MADISON, WI — In a press conference called early thursday, State Senator Kevin Middlebury, joined by top aides, took the podium in a full hazmat suit to announce that “Everything is Fine.”
“There is no cause for concern, and you should go about your business as normal.” Senator Middlebury said, his voice muffled by the suit’s built-in gas mask. “We held this conference because we had all this equipment lying around and thought it might be fun to tell the people of our great state that everything is going well and their government is functioning properly.”
“I want to see everyone going about their normal routines” he continued. “Some of our “Colleagues” in the Media might be spreading rumors that everything is not fine, but I’m here to set the record straight.” This statement got applause from aides in the room. “It might sell more newspapers to say everything isn’t fine, but we don’t put profits over people here. Go to work as normal. Go out as normal. Heck, I’m having a pizza party later at the rec center and you’re all invited!”
After the applause died down once again, the Senator addressed the elephant in the room. “Now, you’re probably wondering about the Hazmat Suit, I’ve had this baby in storage for months, and figured it’d be a gas to wear it to the office!” This line garnered nervous laughter from aides before he continued. “They all love it. I’ve told them all to get their own. Seriously, they’re great!”
The Senator then opened up a PowerPoint behind him, showing photos of Hazmat suits and prices for them. “You can even wear them to conventions to dress up like the characters in Breaking Bad! It’s called “Costume Play”, or “Cosplay” for short.” The PowerPoint then shifted to several photos of Breaking Bad cosplay. “I’ll be cosplaying Jesse at Milwaukee Comic Con this year. Which, by the way, is still happening, because everything is fine.”
As the Senator turned around to shut off the projector, he appeared to notice a tear in the arm of his suit. “OH GOD!” he shouted. “Oh god. Oh shit. Oh fuck!” he began to mutter, as aides rushed to help him. “Get me the hell out of here! Oh god, it’s all over!” At this, he was escorted from the stage, abruptly ending the conference.
When asked about this outburst, a top aide questioned why there would be anything suspicious about this behavior. “Senator Middlebury simply loves that suit and was understandably upset that it was damaged,” she said via phone. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be heading into my Bunker for a few weeks, because I really enjoy it down there. It’s nice and cool.”
As of press time, Senator Middlebury was said to be in critical condition at Madison Memorial Hospital, and was awarded a Medal of Honor for his bravery in declaring that everything was fine.
