Opinion: I guess all crime is legal now if y’all out here watching Trolls: World Tour
Warning: Strong Language. NSFW.
You SOBs have really done it this time.
Trolls: World Tour? Really? Fucking really? You people make me sick. I guess it’s The Purge now and all crime is legal for the next 24 hours, because clearly nothing matters anymore if y’all out there watching Trolls: World Tour.
Seriously, I might as well start trafficking heroin by storing it in hide-a-key rocks around the Van Nuys airport, if y’all out here watching Trolls: World Tour. I should go out to Wendy’s and buy a Frosty without dipping a single, crisp french fry into it’s creamy depths. When, fucking when, did we decide that Trolls: World Tour is now a thing? How did we not resist? We had a choice to make between civility and madness and chose madness. This is exactly the slippery slope that happens once you decide to acknowledge the existence of Cats. Yesterday, Cats, Today, Trolls: World Tour. How did you not listen?
Once you allow Sir Ian McKellan to be a horrifying man-cat hybrid that sips hard alcohol from a saucer you might as well get one for yourself, because it’s going to be all downhill from here. You allow the Man-cats, and next thing you know it’s Trolls that sing instead of looking like what would happen if Lawn Gnomes came to life. Except now you can now see the pain in their eyes, their cold, gaping eyes, as if they were never meant to exist and beg for the sweet release of death.
And yet, Trolls: World Tour is now Universal’s highest-grossing digital release, going by metrics even more mysterious than the biology of the Trolls themselves. It’s probably time to murder my neighbor and have those soulless dolls dance to “One More Time” on their shallow grave. Logically after that I’ll have to leave a series of gruesome, sparkle-infested clues for his friends and family to follow, if you people are out there watching Trolls: World Tour. Are these the choices we make? Is this the world we want to leave for our children? Because I might as well start seeing if I can breed and fence Roadrunners if you motherfuckers are out here saying you approve of Trolls: World Tour.
The support for this film doesn’t even take into account overseas numbers or a release in Theaters down the line. I’m not even above eating a kraft single raw and nowhere near a grilled cheese if y’all out there watching Trolls: World Tour. Next stop for us must be oblivion, because clearly reality is a joke, and we’re all laughing. Stop laughing America. Have some goddamn dignity and just stop. Because if we out there watching Trolls: World Tour, we might as well burn this sucker down the way the titular Trolls burned down “Rock Like You a Hurricane”. Wake up, sheeple, because the Trolls are coming for us, and none will be spared the wrath of them or the Universal Music catalog.
