“One Last Job and I’m Done” says Video Game Protagonist
MIDGAR— Local Mercenary Cloud Strife bravely declared he was “Just here for the paycheck” earlier today, assuring his party members Barrett, Tifa, and Jessie that he was not joining their band of rebels, nor was he growing together with them as an unlikely family that could prove the key to saving the world.
“I’m just here for the money. After this time, it’ll be time for the good life” the grizzled war dog optimistically stated, blissfully unaware of the 80+ hour journey ahead of him as the main character of a Japanese role-playing game. “Once this job is done, I’ll be able to slip away and never see any of these quirky misfits ever again.” As he said this, the hulking warrior put his giant, customization Buster Sword aside to take a nap, not even beginning to suspect the game has already begun, and he’ll be on the hook for a main quest, new game plus, and several expansion packs.
After his declaration, various townspeople have voiced their concerns about Cloud’s refusal to accept odd jobs such as finding lost cats, driving out bandits, and clearing dragon eggs out of the storeroom. “Talk about conceded” said the local Item shop owner, “I asked if he could bring him 5 rat tails, but he said he had no interest in “side quests.”
Biggs, the local swordsmith, echoed this statement, recalling Cloud finding some stolen parts for him. “I offered to upgrade his sword with the parts he got back from the bandits, but he refused. Said he wouldn’t need it, because this was his last job.” Barrett Wallace, head of a local environmental group, had similar thoughts. “Not sure why Cloud thinks this is the last job he’ll ever need. I know what I’m paying him. He’s gonna need some serious grinding if he’s trying to retire.”
However, Tifa Lockheart, Cloud’s longtime friend, had a different view. “Cloud keeps complaining about headaches, lost memories, and seeing a mysterious man he thought he had killed already.” she recounted. “And whenever I ask him about it, he says he has no interest in digging any deeper. Just wants to chug margaritas at [local bar] Seventh Heaven all day. I’m getting kinda worried about him.” Cloud later responded to this, saying he knows investigating will only “suck him in more” so he’s opted to drink all day and not question any of his frequent flashbacks to life as an enforcer for the controversial organization Shinra. “Not sure what everyone is so on edge about…” said Cloud, sucking his town his third “Midgar-garita” of the day. “Not like the world is ending or something. It’s just another day.”
When approached for comment on Cloud’s announcement, the leader of Shinra said “I have no problem with that” as he stroked his beard and turned on another power plant that will siphon the life energy out of all living things. “I hope he enjoys his retirement.”
