“Is that the best you can do?” says toddler to parents offering candy if he goes to bed on time
EAGLE ROCK, CA- At 8PM Pacific Time on Wednesday, local toddler Skyler O’Mara scoffed at the offer of a marshmallow if he went to bed on time. “I’ll even toast it for you!” said mother Cindy Redstone-O’Mara, attempting to sweeten the pot for her 2-year old son.
“Is that best you can do?” rebuked the pint-sized human. “A single marshmallow? I don’t get out of bed for less than the whole bag.” After thinking a moment, he added “Not that I’ll be getting in bed. You get the idea here, right?”
In a later interview, Cindy recounted her experience. “It’s 8PM, I have emails to send for work tomorrow, and my best friend from college has been on hold for twenty minutes! I know the books say you’re not supposed to offer rewards, but come on, the world needs to keep spinning!” Her husband, Matthew, put his hand on her leg to calm her down. “I wish I knew what to do here. We’re breaking the rules for him and the kid doesn’t even seem to care. If my boss wasn’t about to have my head for being late with the rendered files for our new project, I’d be right in there with her.” he explained.
For his part, Skyler told our reporter that he has simple reasons for doing what he does. “It’s a simple cost/benefit analysis, really…” he explained. “Do I want to go to bed for a single, fleeting marshmallow? Or do I want to stay up and increase my productivity fivefold? I can pretend to be a dinosaur for up to four extra hours under the current system.” He then got up and began walking towards the bathroom. “Logically, I had to turn them down. The value proposition they offer just isn’t worth it. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go potty.”
As Skyler relieved himself, Cindy continued. “Every time I try to bargain with him, he always considers it, then ultimately shoots me down.” Matthew chimed in here. “Yeah, I think it was really a mistake to let him watch Shark Tank that one time. The other night I tried to put him down for a nap by offering him any toy he wants from Target. He agreed, then five minutes later he’s next to my workstation stating that he’s considered our agreement and decided to withdraw his support.”
“Come on, it insults both of us to lowball me like that” replied Skylar, after washing his hands like a big boy. “One toy? I know I can do better than that. What kind of pathetic sap would accept one Paw Patrol plushie when they could have the whole squad? It just makes logistical sense.”
After returning to his room and beginning to arrange his toy trucks, he continued. “I wasn’t born yesterday. I’ve been listening to the great negotiators in this arena. Buffet, Gates, Tommy from down the street… Did you know his parents let him stay up until 10PM?” Grouping his trucks by color, be then closed with “If you’re not trading up, you’re not getting a good deal. That’s a principal to live by.”
As of press time, Skyler had “reached an agreement” on an ice cream cone to nap exchange rate, and Cindy and Matt had enrolled in “Business Success 101” and “The Art of Negotiating” at the local Community College in hopes of gaining the skills to broker a more favorable deal for an upcoming trip to the doctor.
