Desperate: Chuck E. Cheese’s Pizzeria rebrands as “Paul Simon’s Pizzeria”
IRVING, TEXAS — In a surprise announcement today, CEC Corporation, owners of the classic Chuck E. Cheese’s Pizzeria restaurants operated nationwide, announced that it would be closing all locations for a period of three months and rebranding as “Paul Simon’s Pizzeria”, incorporating the music, history, and likeness of the celebrated 70’s folk singer into all of it’s locations in the United States, Canada, Guam, and Puerto Rico.
Said CEO David McKillips, “Chuck E. Cheese is a legendary brand for kids and adults everywhere, but with attendance declining and several other challenges facing the business, we’ve decided now is the time to the reinvent ourselves. We believe rebranding as “Paul Simon’s Pizzeria” is a great way to honor our legacy while moving the №1 Pizzeria, Animatronics, and Indoor Arcade destination into the future.”
VP of Brand Strategy Mackenzie Harrington echoed a similar sentiment in the announcement. “Charles Entertainment Cheese, or “Chuck E.” as we lovingly call him, has been beloved by children of all ages, however, Chuck has been getting on in his years, and we feel this is the moment to allow him to retire with dignity.” She continued, “Once we made that decision, the team thought “Where else can a kid be a kid? Where can get they get that iconic experience our restaurant is known for? And we all immediately agreed: It’s a Paul Simon concert.”
Ed Anderson, a rep for Mr. Simon, said of the rebrand “Paul [Simon] prides himself on being a risk taker, both in his music and his business decisions. He’s never been one to back down from a new art form, and themed restaurants are one of the few places he’s yet to explore. We’re all so excited to embark on this journey with the team at CEC”.
Shortly after, Journalists were invited to tour the pilot location of the rebranded restaurant, not far from CEC’s Headquarters in Texas. Inside, the restaurants sported a near complete makeover, ditching all the colorful signs, animal characters, and corny joke posters for Paul Simon memorabilia, including signed records, photos of him on tour through the ages, and glass cases containing guitars and songbooks. The menu received an overhaul as well, now sporting not only Pizza but classic Simon-inspired dishes like “The Sound of Salad”, “Mrs. Robinsons’ Rotini Pasta”, and the “The Bruschetta”. Some locations will even feature a bar called “You Can Call Me Al-cohol” where parents can (responsibly) enjoy adult beverages as their children play.
The centerpiece of the redesigned restaurant was also the one element carried over from the original: The Animatronic Band. “Munch’s Make-Believe Band”, the iconic house band featuring hourly performances by animatronics representing Chuck E. Cheese and friends, will continue to perform, with a life-sized, animatronic Paul Simon, recreated exactly as he was on the Still Crazy After All These Years tour, serving as the new band leader. Backing Vocalist Helen Henny and Bassist Jasper Jowls will continue in their roles, with drummer Pasqually P. Pieplate providing drums. At launch, the robotic Simon will sing classic three songs with the new band, “Kodachrome”, “Slip’ Slidin’ Away”, and “Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard”, with more songs being added as time goes on.
“We’ll also be holding a contest that will allow kids to request their favorite Paul Simon songs” a CEC rep pointed out to the gathered press. “We believe we’ve created the definitive Paul Simon experience here. Disneyland, eat your heart out.”
“Hi there hey hello everyone and welcome to Paul Simon’s Pizzeria…” said the automaton Paul Simon during a demonstration, his trademark rambling vocals filling the room through cleverly placed PAs. “We’ve got tons of great food, games to play and a special on boneless, boneless, boneless chicken wings. Ask your server for details and remember kids you can get free tokens with a good report card.”
When asked if frequent collaborator Art Garfunkel will have any presence in the new restaurant, the rep then glared at the crowd, snapping back “Never mention that name to me again.”
At the end of the tour, CEC head David Killips appeared again to announce that the first locations would open with the new branding this spring. As of press time, competitor Dave & Busters has also announced it will be changing it’s name to “Dave Grohl & Busters” and working with the celebrated Foo Fighters frontman to compete.
