Breaking: Hell revealed to be live, endless performance of “KARS 4 KIDS”

BEVERLY HILLS, CA — In a posh hospital room in Cedars Sinai hospital, venture capitalist Carl Logan recently awoke from a stroke-induced coma to announce that he had seen Hell, and it was, in fact, an endless live performance of the commercial for “Kars 4 Kids”.

“I remember eating lunch at Valdazzo’s Deli, which has a magnificent Ruben, by the way, and then all of a sudden, nothing.” said Mr. Logan, 62, of his experience. “Then, I saw them. Four kids. With over-sized instruments. Dressed in a way that isn’t cool but you can tell is trying to be.” He paused for a second after this sentence, as if still processing the trauma of what he witnessed.

“And then they started playing…” Mr. Logan continued, horror in his eyes. “After the third or fourth loop, you realize it’s not going to stop. There is nothing else. This is life now. This is eternity.” He described the experience to his pastor, Father John Ramirez, who confirmed Mr. Logan did indeed see hell.

“The environment and events Mr. Logan described are consistent with the Church’s vision of the underworld. It is the our belief that he truly did see Hell, and Hell is an infinite void where non-union child actors sing a hackneyed song about donating your car to them.”

“That song breaks you…” recounted Mr. Logan in an interview later that day. “First, it breaks you by making you want to call 1–877-KARS-4-KIDS, offering anything, money, drugs, stock, even offering to donate your car today, if it makes this unholy song stop. But then you realize you don’t have a car, or even a phone. The song will never stop. You will never be free.” After this, he took a pause to collect himself.

“Then it breaks you again, because you start to like it. You begin to clap. Sing along. Suddenly you have a favorite part, and you’re overjoyed for the song to reach it…” His voice then quivered as be began to hum to the devil song’s high harmony. “My therapist said my mind did that to keep my sanity, but to me, it was a clear sign that I had lost it.”

“There’s no doubt in mind that what Carl saw was Hell.” said Eddie Westbrook, his longtime business partner, when asked about his personal opinion on Mr. Logan’s experience. “Carl knew he wasn’t going to heaven. Always had competitions with the other people in the firm to see who could dissolve more startups in a day. Beat me every time. Disgusting.”

“There was no lake of fire, or demons roasting you on a spit…” Mr. Logan recounted, “That I could’ve handled. I mean, I liked Metal in my younger days. Wouldn’t have been so bad.”

“But now that I know what’s on the other side…” continued the former venture capitalist, his wife’s hand on his leg in support, “I’m turning over a new leaf. I’ve been scared straight, and you should be too, lest you end up in an abyss ruled by four children who spell “Cars” with a “K” but “Kids” normally for no reason.”

When asked what they thought about on this whole situation, a spokesperson for Kars 4 Kids said “The Dark Lord has no comment.”