A Christmas Miracle: “Mysterious Children” give Giuliani evidence of voter fraud
WASHINGTON, DC — After undergoing treatment for the novel coronavirus (COVID-19), Donald Trump’s personal lawyer Rudolph “Rudy” Giuliani announced to awaiting press today that he had received a most amazing Christmas gift — irrefutable evidence of widespread voter fraud during the 2020 election where soon to be former President Trump lost to the democratic challenger, former Vice President Joe Biden.
“This is truly the greatest time of year” remarked Giuliani, addressing a sparse crowd of press who left their holiday activities to cover the story. “At last, we have our smoking gun. We have our ace in the hole.” He then gestured to a large stack of boxes behind him. “In there is detailed proof that literally everyone, at all levels of government, in both parties, worked in perfect harmony and total secrecy to undermine our election.”
When asked how he received this information, Giuliani elaborated. “I had some of the brightest, most courageous youth hand them over to me.” At this, he began to describe each child in detail. “One had a head that was bald, despite being a child. I could certainly relate.” He then mimed sucking his thumb. “Another carried a blanket everywhere and did this. I could relate to that as well.” After that remark, he began trailing off describing the others. “There was a dirty kid. Like, literally dirty, y’know? And four women, I remember one was clingy, and the other was a jerk. Kind of like my wife after a glass of white wine. And then there was a beagle. He could fly-” At that, it appeared either his mic had malfunctioned, or someone had mercifully ended that sentence before he could complete it. After a few moments, he continued. “You’re not such a bad lawyer, Rudy… they said.” “All you need is a little love.” Then they wrapped their arms around me. “Merry Christmas, Mr. Giuliani!”
The former Mayor of New York then threw his hands up in celebration. “They had all these boxes, neatly stacked, and even lit with Christmas lights! And then they started singing!” It was at this point that Mr. Giuliani’s mic cut out again, but his singing was so loud he didn’t need it. “Hark the New York Times will sing! Glory to the rightful President! Peace on Earth and lowered taxes, Congress will finally tow the line!”
Giuliani then appeared to compose yourself. “And it was all there. And it’s thanks to these brave children, who not only have the spirit of Christmas, but clearly, the spirit of democracy, in their hearts.” He then paused, before a reporter shouted out. “Oh my god… you’re right!” “This is the biggest conspiracy in the history of our nation!” At this, another joined in. “He’s right! Rudy has cracked the case! He’s an American Hero! It’s a Christmas miracle!” At that, the reporters erupted into cheers. “Rudy! Rudy! Rudy!”
“Rudy?” suddenly bellowed a deep voice, seemingly from the heavens itself. “Rudy?” “Rudy?”
At that, the man who saw New York City through the harrowing events of 9/11 woke up, in his hospital bed, with the hum of his ventilator chugging away as frost collected on the window. “Oh thank god, thought we’d lost ya, pal!” said the voice, which belonged to a doctor shining a light in Giuliani’s eyes. “Merry Christmas, Rudy. You may have not have won the election, but at least you’ve got great insurance.” As Rudy looked around his hospital room, he could feel himself drifting back to sleep again, and seeing the brave kids once more.
“Merry Christmas” he attempted to say, but his ventilator muffled his speech. “Wah Waah Waaah Wah.” was all the kids heard. “Merry Christmas Rudy!” they said in unison, fading away, along with the evidence, and another holiday season.
